Saturday, 20 June 2015

Solstice Reflections

I am sitting here very quietly, just thinking, reflecting and taking time to breathe in the silence. Almost every year since I was in my teens I've watched the dawning of the day on or around the summer solstice.

Although I've been doing this well over half my life I'm not actually sure why I do it, or why it seems important enough to remain up overnight rather than just getting up super-early! I seem to recall it started one year in my teens that I could not sleep and sat up reading until the break of dawn. I just loved sitting in the quiet and solitude while everyone else slept to watch the daily spectacle of a new day coming into being. Somehow this always seems an important part of my calendar to me and I use it to reflect, to give thanks and to feel in harmony with my tiny part of the world. As years have gone on the summer solstice have gained an extra poignancy as it occurs shortly after what was my Dad's birthday.
04:04hrs - 27mins before the dawn
Tonight, or is it today, the skies are grim, grey and gloomy but that doesn't dampen the thrill I feel as I watch it get progressively lighter. I've chosen to do my solstice vigil on the 20th as I fell asleep after getting home from work and slept solidly till 23.30hrs so I am still awake enough to do this now rather than wait until tomorrow and knock my sleep pattern off any more than it already is.

What are my reflections? I am calm but quite excited as I have some lovely things coming up over the next month as I become another year older. I've already begun my birthday celebrations and been having treats and time with good friends. I have a very deep feeling of anticipation of great change. It's been persistent for the last month or so but I just don't know what it is in relation to. However, for the moment I am willing to accept the change will be good, that I should be content and allow it to unfold. The realist in me accepts that even if the change turns out to be hellish then at least I'll have enjoyed this time!
Typically, despite having been asleep, she wanted up to see if some more dinner might be on offer!

I am utterly grateful and thankful for my cat's health having been to hell and back with her over the last year. It was Friday June 13th last year when I sat up overnight in the garden after a 2am dash to the vet school with my very sick wee sweetheart and waiting on their phonecall. So, knowing tonight after everything including neurosurgery in Feb she can sleep undistressed and content in her life with us is a prayer answered.

I am saddened, distressed and depressed by my Mother's state of health as she drifts ever further into her mind and I cannot reach her. I don't think I'll ever find anything positive in this situation but am forced to accept what I cannot change.

I am so grateful for a letter which arrived this week which brought a small, forgotten but ever so welcome amount of money I am owed from many years ago. That the information arrived on what would have been my Dad's birthday just made it feel like he was looking out for me. And that the sum matches almost identically an amount I was debating using for something special makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up!
05:05hrs-34mins after the dawn
So the day has dawned and even if it is just a vague lightening of the sky rather than a glorious sunrise it is nonetheless welcome. Happy Summer Solstice to everyone and may you be bestowed with good wishes.


  1. Our birthday is approaching, how did I not remember it was getting near? After all I am one year older than you, not wiser just older. I think this was just the most beautiful post, so full of hope for the future no matter what is approaching. Your Father was watching out for you that is for sure, your early birthday present from him in the form of just what you need. Love that your beautiful fur baby is doing so well. As for your Mother, it is what it is, you know I know that from experience, but that does not make it easy.
    Sending you a pre-birthday hug,

  2. I am sure that your Dad was looking out for you! I can think of no other way that such a good thing can have happened! I am so sorry to hear that your Mum's health is suffering so badly and deteriorating in this way. There is sadly nothing I can do other than to remind you that you are in my thoughts and that I am sending virtual hugs to you. I hope that you go ahead with your plans for the money and that whatever you are going to do it will be wonderful. I hope that you have a great midsummer and that it brings only the very best to you. Hugs and pre happy birthday wishes in case you don't get to blog again for a little bit! xx

  3. I'm so sorry about your mother - so distressing. If you cannot control her illness progression, you can control your responses and I know you know that! I admire your practical outlook. Meanwhile, as you sense a big change coming ever nearer, I hope it is something good.
    The universe always has a way of working things out, whether we like it or not. You are wise to save your energy for dealing with whatever may come instead of worrying or resisting change. One certainty in life is change. Every day is a new day and I like how you use markers like the solstice to remind you in a metaphorical and literal sense. May it bring you hope and strength. xx

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  5. It's the change of season soon. I am thinking of you and wondering how life is going for you.

  6. How are you lovely!? Missing you.x


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