Pause in Advent 2014- Week One

I'm delighted to join in again with the Pause in Advent which was hosted last year by the lovely Floss of Troc, Broc and Recup who has passed the baton to the equally lovely Angela of Tracing Rainbows.

I cannot believe a whole year has passed. It has been another year of tumult with some very deep and desperate lows particularly around serious illness in those that I love. I too have been severely limited in my mobility by on-going knee pain. There have been lovely and fun things that have happened, wonderful friends, blessings and abilities that have enabled, supported and created a sense of joy at times too.

In my daily life I hate routine and love going with the flow to engage and respond. I positively loathe having my days mapped out with appointments and demands. Where others enjoy structure, anticipation and planning I often find I've lost interest by the time a long awaited concert or event finally rolls round.

Conversely, in the important aspects of life and in my relationships particularly I crave certainty and security, finding it almost insurmountably hard to deal with uncertainty and not knowing where things are going to end. This often makes me very risk averse and I over-ponder decisions through my need to explore every single potential outcome and alternative. While this is hard enough to do for yourself it is even harder to do on behalf of someone that you love such as a child or parent who lacks capacity. This self-imposed pressure often becomes overwhelming which in turn makes things even more difficult and I neglect my own needs.

This is when I find it hardest to let go and let God and to hear the voice of reason that can only be heard internally when I am ready to listen. This Advent I feel the need to renew my connection with the Lord, to live in the moment and to find a way to negotiate a path between my fears and the need to embrace freedom.

This year particularly I need to make the best of this Christmas as it is likely prove to be more bittersweet than any other due to my Mother's advancing illness. To stop myself becoming overwhelmed by anticipatory grief I need to find my balance, to operate in the moment and to make time to meditate quietly so that I can draw on God's Strength, Wisdom and Love.