I am joining in with Floss and the other lovely bloggers who are participating in this third Pause in Advent. I do have to say a very big thank you to everyone who left me a comment as they were most heartening and I am so grateful to everyone who took the time to comment on what I had said or to offer advice or their wisdom. Thank you also to those who are now following my blog.
I wondered what I would write this week for my Pause in Advent reflection as my last two seem to have been very major and were written within days of each other as they seemed inextricably linked.
This week no lightbulb thought has presented itself; though to be fair the week has focussed on dealing with the unprofessional shambles that has become of my knee injury diagnosis and proposed treatment intervention. It has been tearfully frustrating and impossible to know who to trust in making the right decision with the safest risk profile in addition to being in significant pain. I genuinely don't know whether this delay is simply a competent clinician instigating a safety pause or a sign forcing me to another path with another consultant I can trust.
In reflecting on this, I think what I shall pause to consider this week is the balance between control, or self determination, and letting go and letting God deal with things.
I have always trusted God, otherwise I would not retain a faith, but I find it impossible not to meddle or to accept that things are not unfolding to my timetable. My coping strategy involves exploring every option, aspect, alternative and determining what the back stop is. Being detail orientated, accountable and planning for the unexpected is a benefit in my job; and in my personal life I need to feel the security of being assured I have made as good decisions or choices as I can at the time. Oddly though I often know the answer intuitively from the outset I spend ages considering all the options and alternatives to evidence or rationalise my way forward. In contrast once I have decided what needs to happen, I am utterly decisive, a complete perfectionist and turn things around in lightening quick time.
For many, many years I have struggled with the part of my faith which relies on letting go and letting God. When things are going ok I am content to believe that it is happening as it should but when something goes wrong or is slow to resolve, instead of praying and offering it up for God to deal with, I become frustrated and try to take back control to micro-manage the situation. An outcome is always achieved but there was probably a much less stressful route had I 'kept the faith'.
So, this is my pause this week as I face some very difficult decisions from tomorrow afternoon onwards. Tonight, I am going to have a very long conversation with the Man himself and try my very hardest to stop driving the bus and try the passenger seat instead so that I can enjoy some of the scenery of my life.
I wish much love and contentment this Advent to all those involved in these Pauses and to everyone who reads them.